A Beautiful Life

It's a beautiful time in my life. I've dreamed of being here since I was a little girl. The funny thing about dreams is even when they come true, they can surprise you.

When I dreamed of being pregnant, I always thought of myself serenely sitting around knitting baby clothes. Think Darling in Lady and the Tramp. The dream fulfilled is much different. I am working full time and going to school part time currently. I have a beautiful 6 year old (step)daughter who I have to keep up with on the weekends (where do they get the energy??). I don't know how to knit. And there hasn't been much time to be serene between the throwing up, the constant bathroom trips, and the need for another snack/meal every hour. So, besides the fact that I really have no interest in learning how to knit, reality is different from my expectations out of necessity and a healthy dose of biology.

I also never thought about the possibility that becoming a mother would be a difficult or long journey. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother and so I just assumed I would be. I became a mother for the first time when I married my husband in 2005 (our anniversary is this month, in fact!). I met my daughter in 2003 at the age of 2. She is, and always will be, my first child. I'm sure I'll have to write a blog or two about her and our special bond sometime. My little girl has another (I don't dispute...more important) mommy. She does not call me Mommy. She calls me Karen or ocassionally, Mama Karen. I have been Mama Karen for 5 years now and this beautiful little girl is nearly 6 and a half and will be a big sister in about 6 months. Being a stepmother is a privilege I never knew I would have. I would not give up Autumn for anything and she IS my child even though she didn't come out of my body. But stepparenting is a different animal from being a "regular" parent. So in January of 2006, my husband and I decided to try to have a baby together. Really, we decided before then but that's when the "trying" began. In 5 months, we got pregnant. We were thrilled. We told our families. We did NOT tell Autumn. after about a week and a half of bliss, I lost the baby. Those are 4 words I say frequently but they hold more pain than anyone who has not been there can imagine. The next February, I got pregnant again. I lost that baby within a few days of finding out I was pregnant. Losing 2 babies has been the hardest thing I have gone through in my entire life. I cannot and will not try to express all the pain in that time of my life in a blog. But in January of this year, two years after starting the "trying" process, I again got a positive on a pregnancy test (or 2, or 3....I think in the end, I took like 7!). This baby has done wonderfully! I am now 15 weeks pregnant (almost 4 months) with my first child (who is really my 3rd or 4th child depending on how you look at it!). It's a beautiful time in my life that I've finally come to after a very hard, long journey!

I'd like to share this beautiful time in my life with you. I hope to post pictures of my growing belly and eventually my baby. I hope to share the joys and not so joys of this pregnancy and then the exciting news of a healthy baby. It's not what I expected, but I'm loving the ride!